Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Do Goths make better lovers?

According to this video we do. If you ignore the narrator's condescension in the first twenty or so seconds, it's also an interesting watch for when you have a spare ten minutes.

Naturally, as a single-by-choice Goth, I have to disagree with some of the points made in the video. Firstly, that we're always in couples (with another Goth, apparently.) I've never dated another Goth, I don't even know many in the real world. There is a common misconception that Goths only ever date other Goths, but that's simply not true. For example, I've only ever dated nerds. I have nothing against other Goths, but I chose not to limit my choice of partner by their musical tastes and aesthetics. Of course, for some people this is a bigger issue (particularly for those of the "music is my life" variety) but it's not true for everyone.

But that's not all the video has to say. Later on, you meet a couple Goths who try to explore why they like dating Goths. One of the Goths in the video says that he thinks that Goths have a "more romantic outlook on things," and that might be part of it. To many non-Goths (I'm using my friends as a convenient sample here) would find it kind of silly to be given roses by their beloveds, while some Goths (including myself and some of my Goth friends) delight in being given black and red roses.

Then, there's the mention of Goth males being "in touch with their feminine sides." While this is true for some Goth males, I protest that this is true for all of them (particularly Goth males who lean towards the Rivethead or Industrial looks.) Then, to say that being in touch with your feminine side makes you essentially a better lover isn't exactly true either. It might make you more romantic, as some of the romantic gestures given by Goths have feminine connotations (again, flowers) but only if you are a romantic person as well as a feminine one. However, the man who mentions this does later discuss make up which, whether we like it or not, is considered a feminine thing. However, since he uses it to bond with his girlfriend, it's a big positive in his life. I say go for it! That is, more than likely, an experience that fewer Non-Goths have than Goths do.

And then there's the discussion about if we're more sensitive. Anyone who has had to deal with in-scene drama will tell you that not everyone is sensitive about each other's feelings, but we're certainly sensitive about our own! The whole issue about "understanding" your partner is something huge in pop culture, so maybe it's easier to understand Goths? Maybe. Not all of us wear our hearts on our sleeves, as the saying goes. Some of our hearts are buried underneath floorboards or being carried around by widows or stuffed in jars filled with dirt. I think we can be as complex or as simple as anyone else.

The last issue I have with the video is that it is implied that it's easy for Goths to find each other. However, if you're in a small town like I am, you're more than likely going to be stuck in a long distance relationship if you really want something with another Goth. The only kind of social scene that makes it easier to find Goth partners is a thriving one, which many people don't have. In that scenario, it's much more usual to find a Goth dating another non-Goth.

In general, I think this video is kind of cute (the little video clip montage of all the Goth couples was adorable) but it does miss a few pointers. The only reason that I think Goths might have an easier time with relationships is a built-in common interest that you can build off of. It doesn't have anything to do with femininity, or sensitivity, or romance. What do you think?


  1. First of all as a recently and upsettingly single person; ARRRGGHHHH (sorry =P)

    I'm 22 and I've had 2 long-term relationships. Neither was with a goth. All of my boyfriends have been alternative/geek/musicians but, like you I don't know any goth men in real life; not well enough to consider romantically at least.

    1. I think they have a point about intelligence; because intelligent people of any kind are more likely to make a relationship last because the conversation is better and communication is the foundation of a good relationship ( I don't think you need to be middle-class to be goth though).

    2. I completely disagree about the idea that Goth women are more sexualised, because it definately doesn't apply to all of us. I wear more clothing and cover more skin than any 'normal' woman when I go out clubbing! I like the fact that I can feel attractive without flaunting my body! I may be more open-minded about sex than most women, but I bet you can't tell by looking at me! Maybe you can when I dance...

  2. I've been single for at least two months now :-P While I would love love loooove to have a darkly inclined romantic lover, I don't really now. I'm still suffering from something called "cynicism."

    You make very valid points, and so does The Cemetery Dreamer.

  3. I think when they say that Goth women are more sexualized, I don't think they mean that they wear next to nothing. The key of a women being sexually powerful is her being comfortable with herself. Doesn't matter what you wear or how much, a women who's confident in herself and her looks is always going to be sexually powerful. Also, you can cover everything up, but sometimes the tease is wearing clothes that show your figure, but don't give away all the details.

    I think many goths tend to be in relationships more often is because the subculture is about finding yourself. When you know who you are and you're happy with yourself, you're more confident as well as having a better idea of what you want in a mate. When you can be open and honest about who your are with someone, it makes for a better lasting relationship. Also, confidence is one of the biggest pieces in being sexy in both men and women and people who are confident attract more possible mates, that's just the basics of human attraction.

  4. i am a single-by-choice for a year or two now XD and i've had relationships with goths and nongoths both were 'same'.

    i usually prefer guys in goth clothing because of yummyness though (is goth-guy a fetish o.O?) and because of similar hobbies/music/blah.

    but if i found an attractive non-goth guy who would accept me being goth (and probably as long as i am alive), fight for me - i would for sure love a relationship with him. but sadly all the non-goth guys i've met and dated would sooner or later try to get me off-goth... (esp. 'big asshole #1/2')

    then again 'big asshole #2/2' was goth and one of those gothier than you, better than everyone else, 'im a god' type. sending guys like him to hell together with those 'i want to change you' guys.

    in short: both can be good, both can be shit. in the end were all humans.

  5. The whole goth scene is based on collective interests in music, books, aesthetics, etc. so it makes sense that it would be easier to find a partner within the scene; just like any other sub-culture, really. However I have seldom made lasting friendships/relationships in a goth club, which is the biggest gathering of goths you would generally find. In fact, most goths I know are geeks, and it's through "geek" activities, events and social groups that I meet people who are also goths, just not as obvious about it. I don't know if that is true for other people, but I find the goth "scene kids" not always to my taste.

    What I am trying to say here in my rambling, is that I think a lot more people have dark tendencies than you give them credit for, and even if your goth community is small, it doesn't mean there is nobody in other subsets who thinks like you do.

  6. I have had 2 boyfriends in the goth scene.. one in a long relation, one with a short relation. and I had one (short relationship) with a non goth looong ago.
    What can I say? there is no much difference, it depends a lot on the person. Though it's funnier when your boyfriend likes how you dress up, and doesn't complain that you look weird.
    What I expierienced a lot in the goth scene is that there is a lot to do about sex, which is a bit sad. They tend to forget about the real love. They just want somebody to not to be alone. I guess this has a bit to do with the fact that goths don't always have a lot of friends at school, and want at least someone who cares a bit about them. I'm not sure though, it's only a hypthese I make.
    I have experienced some bad things in the goth going out scene, also with relationships and how other people act in their relation, so I'm a bit sceptical about it. Many relations in the going out goth scene doesn't seem to stay for long (like my last relationship..)

  7. I'am a lonely attractive black curvy goth female in my early 20's looking for my dark alternative soulmate whether male of female because I'am a bisexual pagan artist who lives in Texas and takes care of my sick wheelchair and my new black puppy named Curo and I work at Burger King but I want to become a burlqesue dancer and dance teacher. I'am looking for a man or woman with the same interests like anime and the occult also video games and mythology so if you interested then please E-mail me at my real name is Desdemona Sokoya but I go by Mona and this is my. (father's email) so only message me if you are a open minded alternative person (thanks for reading).